1. Take photos of your final RA timed writing (including annotations) and upload them here:
2. Make a bulleted list of ALL comments your teacher left here:
- Misinterpretation of the audience
- How do women have to go about getting rid of child labor? (Missing this part in purpose)
3. Write a sentence or two about how you can improve your next essay stylistically and/or grammatically.
In my next essay, I need to examine my rhetorical situation better specifically the audience. I need to ask who would the author be talking to, and in this case who would be attending the convention?
4. Based on your feedback/score, what is one area that you feel you showed improvement in? Please respond thoughtfully and specifically.
I feel like the area I showed improvement is in embedding my evidence into my paragraphs and using appropriate evidence to support the claim.
5. Based on your feedback, what is one area of improvement you can continue to improve on in your analysis? Please respond thoughtfully and specifically.
One area of improvement that can contribute to improve my analysis is understanding the intended audience. By understanding who the author is mainly speaking to it will better help me understand the text and the choices the author uses.
6. Look back at your feedback and your essay. In the space below, please revise your introduction and thesis statement (if there is nothing to be revised, please type it as it exists in your essay) and your weakest body paragraph from your original essay. Be sure to address ALL feedback from teacher and any other areas that you feel could be improved.
Type your revision here
Intro and thesis:
During 1859-1932 many children were worked like machines. At such a young age they were burdened with many responsibilities. Being a social worker and reformer, Florence Kelley fought for child labor improvements. Before the NAWSA convention, Florence Kelley, in her speech, illustrates the working conditions of the young children, compares child labor laws around the U.S., and highlights the work load put on children in order to encourage other women to take action to reduce and put an end to child labor.
Body paragraph:
Towards the middle of the speech, Kelley compares the child labor policies in the different states. Alabama restricts that children “under sixteen years of age…eight hours”. Kelley uses this to show how Alabama, unlike other states such as New Jersey that permits children to “work all night long” is “better in this respect”. Since these women are all Americans, seeing that some states are able to lower child labor while others absolutely refuse to do so is another factor that can potentially anger them. Once again, the role as a mother of many of the women attending is likely to sway their image of the situation; those who may not have experienced negative child laws in their own state are likely to imagine the condition of their own children had they been living in a state like Georgia at the time. This causes them to desire the ability to make changes regarding child labor with greater intensity, resulting in a greater likelihood of women being motivated to take immediate action to reform and eliminate child labor, and simultaneously encouraging women to fight for suffrage rights in order to be able to make the desired change.